Geek-to-Me Computer Glossary

n. A big blue DOS-looking screen that appears when the computer is near death or when Windows is simply confused. The Blue Screen of Death displays a lot of scary messages that make no sense to English-speaking peoples. If you see the Blue Screen of Death, call a computer geek and weep into the phone until help arrives.

v. The process of starting a computer. A Windows system will go through bukoo screens, sights, and sounds in the initial starting process. When a Windows system is finished "booting up", it will land on a screen that has a bunch of icons with names like My Computer and Recycle Bin.

(Contrary to how it may sound, the term "boot up" has nothing to do with footwear coming into contact with a computer. Contrary to how you may feel, footwear and the application thereof on a computer is a bad practice. Should this practice take place, the computer would undoubtedly sustain significant damage not to mention the foot upon which the footwear is housed.)

adj. 1. many; several. 2. of an indefinite number. 3. more than you can shake a stick at.

n. A person who works with computer stuff either by choice or by design. A computer geek is easily recognizable by a disheveled, devil-may-care appearance; this look is almost always associated with near-genius qualities.
(See Techie)

n. This is a place in Windows where you can update stuff. You can change the Windows setup, alter the Windows configuration in regards to all kinds of hardware stuff, and do a lot of other mysterious things.

If you aren't sure how to do what you want to do in the Control Panel, then you should not be there. Put the mouse down and back away from the keyboard. The Control Panel is no place for the haphazard hacker.

n. The piece of PC equipment from which all computer things come. This box has

n. A place in Windows where you can tell your computer how to reach out and touch someone. This function is only used if the system uses a modem. Dial-Up Networking tells the modem what number to call and how to login once it gets there.

n. Another term for something. If a computer "won't do diddly-squat", that means that it does nothing. So if not doing diddly-squat is nothing; then diddly-squat must be something.

n. Stands for Disk Operating System. An environment in which computer things happen.

DOS screens are typically characterized by single-color backgrounds (generally black or blue) and a cursor that just blinks and waits for you to type something. DOS screens have a text-based look.
(See Windows)

n. A goofy dance that people used to do when I was a little kid, but nobody ever taught me--and I am undoubtedly scarred for life.

n. Stands for Graphical User Interface. Seen in the Windows environment. Means that stuff on the screen is represented graphically with buttons, icons, pictures and stuff; not a completely text-based look.

n. A person who technologically has either a) the confidence of Superman and the competence or Daffy Duck or b) both the confidence and the competence of Superman but the common sense of Daffy Duck. Neither person should be allowed in the same room with a computer. Some hackers are roving innocents trying to do good (a); other hackers are malicious little devils bent on creating havoc (b). Both types of hackers cause computer geeks to go gray.

n. The physical parts of a computer that you can see or touch.

n. A little picture that represents some file or function graphically. If the icon is on the Windows desktop, it will have words below it describing what the icon is trying to represent.

n. The piece of equipment on your desk that has buttons with all those pretty letters and numbers on them. When the buttons are pressed, the characters represented on the buttons magically appear on your monitor screen.

In computer circles, this device is also called a Qwerty keyboard. Why, you ask? Look at the first line of buttons that have letters on them. The first six letters spell out: QWERTY. (And who said computer people can't be creative?)

n. The piece of equipment on your desk that most resembles a TV. You will know when you are looking at the monitor because you will feel yourself make the same face that your spouse and children make when they sit motionless in front of the TV for hours on end.

n. That small handheld thing on your desk which has a long tail and resides on a mousepad. The end of the tail attaches to your PC. The mouse generally has one to three buttons on top of it, and it rattles when shaken lightly. (Do not shake it vigorously or the mouseball may fall out.) The mouse allows you to "point and click" the pointer on the screen.

Mechanically, the mouse is like a little vacuum cleaner without the suction. However, if the mouse rolls across a dirty surface long enough, it will pick up debris and cease to function properly.

n. The ability to manipulate the mouse. When the mouse is no longer responding, you have lost mouse control. (This same principle can be applied to teenagers.) If the computer is just temporarily busy thinking, you may later regain mouse control; however, if the system is locked up, you may have to reboot the computer.

n. The little thing on the monitor screen that floats around when you move the mouse. The pointer changes into different images when different things are happening. When the computer is busy doing something you just told it to do, the mouse pointer may change into something animated while you wait before you can regain mouse control.

n. Found on the flipside of the mouse, it is a little ball that is housed inside the mouse. When the mouseball falls out and rolls across the floor, the mouse will not work.

n. The mat or "pad" upon which the mouse resides. (As in "Come on over to my pad, baby, and we'll do the Funky Chicken.")

n. A place where a bunch of cool computer stuff can be utilized. Stuff like: drives, printers, the Control Panel, and Dial-Up Networking. From My Computer, you can find files, move files around, format disks, alter settings for the looks and sounds of the computer, update printer stuff, change dial-up stuff, and launch a missile.

n. Short for Personal Computer--a computer used by a person. A personal computer consists of a desktop or tower unit that has all this extra stuff attached to it like a monitor, a keyboard, a mouse, a printer, or other high-falutin' stuff.

n. What you do with the mouse when you have mouse control. This is how you navigate the pointer around the screen.

Place your hand over the mouse being careful to leave it on the desk. Glide the mouse around and watch the screen; interestingly enough the mouse pointer should move too. When the mouse pointer lands on a button or an icon, lightly tap the mouse button--generally the leftmost button. If all goes well, something will happen like a new Window will appear. Having accomplished this, you have successfully executed a "point and click".

n. The piece of computer equipment that prints stuff on paper. A printer may be attached to your own computer and reside somewhere in your own office, or it may be attached to a network and reside in some other room, building, or nation-state.

In the old days, we had typewriters that printed words on paper. Now we use very complicated, expensive pieces of equipment which are supported by droves of people who once stood in fear of the Year 2000; all for the privilege of printing words and stuff on paper. (This is progress?)

n. Another term for restarting the system. This is a behavior-modification technique--for the computer not the computee. If the system is locked up and won't do diddly-squat and it just sits there and beeps at you or if it is behaving badly, it may have to be rebooted. Do not ask the computer why it locks up, "better to ask the sun why it shines or Kenny G why he blows." (Joke courtesy of advertising from Hacienda Mexican Restaurant.)

n. A place where lost files might be found.

When a file is deleted in Windows, the file does not always vanish. Sometimes it maintains a holding pattern in the Recycle Bin until it is told to leave. (A lot like your no-good cousin who dropped in for Christmas dinner and didn't leave until half past April.) Not all deleted files stop off here for a siesta, but it is a good place to check if you don't know where else to look. (If this yields nothing, check other inconspicuous places like under the seat cushions, in the dryer trap, and behind any large pieces of furniture.)

n. The stuff it takes to make the computer hardware do anything.

Programmers sit in their offices for hours-on-end designing new software so that your computer can do things like create letters, print reports, calculate complicated sums, and get up and fly around the room.

Software may reside on things called hard drives, floppy disks, CD-ROMs, drive packs, or some other type of media, or it may be swarming around in a programmer's brain until it is set free.

n. This is where a lot of stuff in Windows starts. You can start programs, retrieve documents, change Windows settings, find files, get help, run stuff, and shut down the computer. (I don't know why you have to click the [Start] button to initiate the shutdown process. Makes no sense to me whatsoever.)

n. Another word for a computer of any type: PC, Mac, server, mainframe, missile launcher. A system consists of both hardware and software.

1. n. A person who knows--or pretends to know--a lot about technology, computer or otherwise. 2. adj Having to do with technical stuff.
(See Computer Geek)

n. An environment in which computer things happen. (By environment, I mean a computer environment not your typical high-near-70-with-sunny-skies environment.)

Windows screens generally have little clicky things that let you select buttons, icons, or pull-down menus. Oftentimes you may also type in these windows.
(See also DOS.)

n. The Windows Desktop is the first Windows screen that appears after the boot up process is complete. (This is where icons such as My Computer and Recycle Bin appear as well as the Start Taskbar.)

n. Stands for the Year 2000. Y means year. In computer terms, K is roughly 1000; 2K is therefore 2000. Put it all together and Y2K stands for the Year 2000. (Actually as far as computers are concerned, K is really 1024...but enough about facts.)

Let's talk about fiction. Theoretically in the Year 2000, the world as we know it should have come to a screeching halt, with terror and destruction reigning supreme. Why? Because that's what the media wanted you to believe.

Bus seriously, folks, why do computers even care what date it is? Some computer hardware and software (we'll call them "systems") think in terms of two-digit dates. (1999 would be 99.) These systems see the 99 and assume the 19 part. When the calendar year changed to 2000, these old systems still assumed the 19 part. So instead of the year 2000, the computer thought the year was 1900.

If you've ever been disoriented by not knowing the exact day, month, or year--not to mention your children's names, your social security number, or the time you last flossed--imagine how confusing it would be to think you've landed in the wrong century or even millennium. Computer systems cannot handle this temporal flux with the grace and agility that people can.

	1)	buttons and lights on the front,
	2)	slots on the front to accept computer disks, CDs, and other types of media, and
	3)	a mass of connectors and wires emitting from the back which run to other pieces of equipment.